On Friendship & Caring
Judy Carlisle and I in front of the Tree of Life banner at CUMC
Judy Carlisle and I attend Christ United Methodist Church in Franklin. In a brief conversation months ago I learned that she was working on the frontlines of the AIDS crisis in Denver at the same time I was working the same here beginning early 1986. ( I was a part of a group of professionals that helped create NASHVILLE CARES. Gail Powers (another LCSW) and I co-facilitated their first family support group). The more Judy and I talked over coffees we learned of several other commonalities. She too is a social worker, she’s also from Oklahoma (Durant) and she and her husband were involved in ministry for decades before he died just a few years ago.. Judy and I are new friends with like histories which drew us quickly together. She is a delight. When she shared these writings I asked if I could post a few, she agreed. (And may do more reposting the writings of others on my blog. Judy is the first).
Her client Steve, was my Keith. Those years changed me in so many ways—Judy as well. They were awful times but the individuals and families I met are still vivid in my memory. When you are a part of despised population so isolated, so frightened, strong bonds are created. I will be forever grateful, even with all the sadness and grief over the number of wonderful young men whose gravesides I stood beside—all younger than me. Steve died at 31 in Colorado. Keith died at 30 in North Carolina.
FRIENDS…
Life thrust many issues, at each of us along the way; up and down we go trying to make sense of it all.
There are beautiful moments, adding depth to our days; yet, painful events arise, putting our patience on call.
In the midst, of what we call life, come others; some pass through quickly and others remain.
We find strangers, who become like sisters and brothers; friends who understand and therefore sustain.
We each have unlimited potential threaded through our being; which may lie dormant until tapped by a ‘believer’.
That ‘other soul’ who offers vision, when we are not seeing; can empower us to the point of ‘creative achiever’.
The power of friendship enriches and broadens our view along the road; bringing into focus the larger picture of life.
‘Togetherness’ sustains us for times we must carry the solitary load; reinforcing confident when we face strife.
Friends are the ones left when all other are tired and worn; they see us and know us without words or more.
They hold us up when others have pulled and torn; asking no questions as they gently bind our sores.
Real friends are gifts who come and stay without tie; friends who remain soul to soul and heart to heart.
Lives bound together but allowing freedom to fly; friends who stand for us even when we are apart.
Individuality is our name as we mover toward fullness; bringing wonder, yet fear, as we reach out to our true selves.
God is sustainer, friends are bedrock on our trip to wholeness; real life is forward movement taking ourselves from the shelf.
Our cherished ones ‘tend’ us toward our individual goal; and remain standing if needed to defend.
These ‘others’ bring consistent love for our solitary soul; becoming ones we call the priceless name, FRIEND.
Judy Carlisle
BEING KNOWN IS BEING ALIVE
To acknowledge one is not necessarily to know them
To co-exist is not necessarily ‘to know’
To give birth, to marry, to sleep with is not necessarily ‘to know’.
BEING KNOWN IS BEING ALIVE
Breathing is not living—
Moving, acting, fulfilling roles does not mean one is alive—
Filling space, performing duties, showing up does not prove you exist.
BEING KNOWN IS BEING ALIVE
LIFE comes from being known, accepted, affirmed as you are—without expected changes, rearrangement, or exception.
LIFE comes when you accept and affirm, and sit in the presence of another, allowing them to be—who they are.
LIFE means someone asks about, spends time with you,
is there for you—
risks on your behalf—
becomes family with no blood connection—
will nurture, support and give you the truth—who stands with you despite the results.
LIFE means that you move out of yourself to be there for another
that you risk for another—
that you bond as family beyond the blood connection—
that you nurture, support and give the truth to another—
that you stand with another despite the odds
BEING KNOWN IS BEING ALIVE
KNOWING OTHERS IS BEING ALIVE!
Judy Carlisle
HEART GLIMPSES
Stepping into new challenges expands our glimpses into the heart of life. Never did I imagine the depth to which I would be stretched when I chose to begin working with people living with AIDS. For several years I saw young, talented, beautiful lives ending before my eyes.
Constant were the—
glimpses into reality of how we as people judge so harshly;
glimpses into souls of the abandoned, lonely and ill—living out their last moments;
glimpses into successful creativity lost so quickly;
glimpses into my own heart wondering if I could possibly expand enough to respond.
There are many heroes from this time in our history—many caring, nurturing supporters, many who gave quality to shortened lives. As a culture often to busy, too fearful and too preoccupied to respond, we still must take time to honor those who have responded to the vast needs of the AIDS epidemic. The lesson is still before us. May we embrace what we have learned and move from a sense of loss toward a strong determination of healing. Healing of the illnesses and equally important—healing of the all hearts involved.
Judy Carlisle
I KNOW YOU
I LOVE YOU
Steve was one of my clients at the Colorado AIDS Project who impacted my life in so many ways. He died at the age of 31. This is a tribute to him.
I KNOW YOU as a child, hurt and abandoned by those who were family.
I KNOW YOU as a child whose father, brothers and unknown others abused and taunted you.
I KNOW YOU as a teenager who, rather than experiencing
fun freedom friends self-discovery
married an older woman with children—perhaps still seeking that ‘family’ that was not—a family
I KNOW YOU as a young husband, soon a young father, never finding any meaning in roles that did not fit
never understanding—or at least not choosing to deal with the reality of why life did not work
I KNOW YOU as a young man, leaving a wife, leaving children—leaving the roles of husband, father, heterosexual. Leaving yet going nowhere!
I KNOW YOU as searching, yet turning to drugs, alcohol and sex to make ‘sure’ you no longer
Would search
Would feel
Would grieve
I KNOW YOU as a soul who never chose to deal with reality but never gave up on life. You continued to dream that you would find real meaning by owning enough, by moving often.
I KNOW YOU as a soul consumed with passion to find family, create family and make family respond somehow, some way.
I KNOW YOU as a friend who I met after you were—
ill
alone
victimized, yet constantly assuring me that you were ‘fine’ and that everything would
be wonderful ‘as soon as’
I KNOW YOU as my touchstone to the reality of the AIDS WORLD—
YOU taught me awareness of life circumstances by sharing your story, your life
YOU taught me strength as you continued in spite of numerous odds
YOU taught me flexibility as you ignored reality and did it your way
I KNOW YOU, AND BEING KNOWN, YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN
Wait for me my friend in that better world. We will again share stories—
BEING KNOWN TO EACH OTHER!
Judy Carlisle
Keith in the red sweatshirt the summer before he learned he had HIV
On the occasion of one of my visits to North Carolina—his parents home. When his parents, Jo & Hallett, found out he was gay and had AIDS, they had no problem with taking him home—unlike some other parents who had nothing to do with their sons.
In the hospital in Ashville NC shortly before he passed away